Talking to your kids about porn
"Oh my kids don't have any clue about the things you are talking about here today!" If you continue to believe this, you are only enabling your children to enter into this struggle.
- 62% of parents of teenagers are unaware that their children have accessed objectionable web sites (Yankelovich Partners Study, September 30, 1999).
- 9 in 10 kids 8-16 years old have viewed online, mostly accidentally while doing homework (UK News Telegraph, NOP Research Group, 1/07/02).
- In a study of 4 million children ages 7-17 who surf the net, 29% would freely give out their home address (NOP Research Group, 2002).
- 89% of sexual solicitations of youth were made in either chat rooms or instant messages (Pew Study reported in JAMA, 2001).
Your kids for the most part know more than you do about the internet, about chat rooms, about your computer, etc.
There are all sorts of sites that youth frequent today that have the ability to be very destructive.
If you really want to know what you kid knows, look at their MYSPACE account; look at their file sharing software or maybe you know it as their place to download music. Music is not the main thing that is being shared anymore from one computer to another.
Educate yourself and get involved in your child's lives!
How young is too young to have a conversation with my child about pornography?
One of the primary privileges of parents is to have the opportunity to prepare children to appropriately embrace the world around them. They look to us to guide them, protect them, love them and teach them. But their developing minds and hearts are not automatically prepared to understand everything that life will throw at them. Parents have the tricky responsibility of guarding their minds from unnecessary information while at the same time preparing them for the harsh realities of our world and of their child's inevitable future.
As parents we need to take seriously our responsibility to be gatekeepers - attempting to protect and appropriately introduce mature concepts to our children. At the same time we must understand that in reality conversations about key life matters must begin in the cradle. From the day we bring them home from the hospital, they begin picking up on the cues we send them about everything. Children are absorbers. They are constantly studying the world around them and asking questions. While mentally their minds cannot grasp everything they experience, their eyes take it all in. But they take their cues about how to respond to it all from the adults nearby - especially parents. In other words, they often learn to attach emotion to an object or
subject based upon the emotional clues they receive from others.
So begin early to prepare your child for those later conversations you will need to have with him about important topics - including sex and pornography. That doesn't mean that they need to know everything early, but that you are already consciously or unconsciously laying the foundation for communication patterns and for talking about anything and everything with your child. You may not even have to use the word "porn" or "pornography" initially. You're providing cues for him to understand that while our bodies and sex are both beautiful things from God, He provides important instructions to help us keep them safe and enjoy them
appropriately.
As your child develops, you can become more intentional and more specific according to their interest and comprehension level.
My child asked me yesterday, "what is porn?" what do i say?
Pray - Think - Prepare - Pray
When introducing something new to your child, it's always important to pray for God to prepare your child's heart to receive the information - and for God to give you the appropriate words to say - and the wisdom to know how much to say. Asking God to guide you in the timing of your conversation is important too.
Ask yourself:
- "How much does my child need to know about this at this point in her life?"
- "How much will he be able to understand or comprehend about it?"
- "When is the best time to talk about this with him?"
- "What does she already know?"
- "What questions can I anticipate she will ask as we talk?"
In actuality, your son or daughter is already taking cues from you and society. The commercials and videos they watch - the music they hear - the pictures they see in magazines, on billboards or on the Internet are all laying a foundation for how they understand what is appropriate and inappropriate. Therefore, protecting your child from concepts beyond their comprehension is critical while, at the same time, intentionally laying groundwork for the future. Because of our culture's obsession with the body and sex, it is safe to anticipate that you will need to talk about these things before you naturally feel ready to talk about them. But in another sense you have already been talking about them through the verbal and nonverbal interactions you've been having with your child. Your conversations about sensitive subjects like pornography will be built on those interactions. So it's important to start early by laying a foundation of safety to talk about anything and everything.
When it comes to talking about pornography, it is important to be in tune with your own feelings. It is likely that your child will pick up on those feelings. When talking about any sensitive issue with children, it is best to talk calmly and in a casual tone of voice. Don't lecture; just speak like you're having a normal conversation.
for smaller children, give them only enough information to satisfy their curiosity. Some parents think that since their child asked a big question, they need a big answer. Chances are they simply need your attention more than anything, and a simple response to help them move on to the next thing that will capture their attention.
Here are some possible responses for small children - each appropriate depending upon the age and stage development of your child.
- "Oh, that's something that we'll talk about when you're a bit older. But I'm so glad you asked me about it because we need to talk about it soon. Where did you hear or see that word?"
- "You know how we've talked about how there are parts of our bodies that are wonderful, but private? Sometimes people don't always understand that they are supposed to be private andthey even take pictures of them. But God wants us to keep them special. Do you have any questions about what I'm saying?"
- "You know how we've talked about how it's natural for people to be curious about their bodies? Sometimes people like to look at other people without their clothes on, so they find pictures ofpeople without any clothes on at all. Those pictures are what we call "pornography. Have youever seen any pictures like that?"
- "Porn is when people take pictures of other people without their clothes on and then sell it to other people. They don't understand that God made our bodies special and doesn't want us to do that. Do you remember seeing that adult bookstore we drive by on the way to the grocery store? ..."
- "Sometimes kids have had people they know and love want to take pictures of them without their clothes on. I hope that never happens to you; but if it does, I sure hope you'll come tell me. But that's called "porn" or ‘child pornography' because it is pictures of kids. I want to protect you from people like that; so don't ever be afraid to tell me if someone asks to take your picture - even if they tell you not to tell anyone. I promise that I will not get mad at you. Okay?"
Helpful Family Resources
Visit Homeword's web site: www.homeword.com
Visit Family Life Today: www.familylife.com/articles
Books:
• Checking Your Child's Convictions About Pornography
by Dennis and Barbara Rainey
• Helping Your Child Avoid the Pornography Trap
by Dennis and Barbara Rainey
• Keeping Your Child from the Internet's Dark Side
by Mike Pickle and David Boehi
• The Dangers of Pornography
by Dennis and Barbara Rainey
• Teaching Your Child to Make Wise Media Entertainment Choices
by Dennis and Barbara Rainey
• Protecting Your Child in an X-Rated World
by Frank York & Jan LaRue
• Preparing Your Son for Every Man's Battle
by Stephen Arterburn (boys 11-15 yrs.): www.newlife.com
How To Talk To Your Kids About Porn DVD: www.XXXchurch.com
